Have you ever had ‘the hospital fantasy’?
At some point along your motherhood journey, have you ever fantasised about having a reason to check into a hospital, just to catch a break?
When my eldest was a baby, I used to fantasise about having a minor car accident (without involving my baby or other people, of course!) or a kidney stone, anything that would warrant a couple of nights in hospital. Purely for the purpose of catching a freaking break. Without anyone needing me or touching me with all my food prepared and a full night’s sleep. HEAVEN. Except for the being sick or injured part, that is. (I’ve actually had a kidney stone since then – don’t rate it.)(Also, no-one actually sleeps in hospital – overnight checks and constant beeping and noise means constant disruption! But I digress..)
When my first born was six months old, when I was ‘supposed’ to have it all together and in a routine, I was actually extremely sleep deprived, overwhelmed, overstimulated, an insomniac and in the pits of exhaustion. I was a mess for a while there, not going to lie, and when I finally saw a GP I was given temazepam (a sleeping tablet) and was told to leave my baby to cry. That was it. Hence the hospital fantasy - because how else was I going to catch a break?
And it’s not just me that was having the hospital fantasy. So many mothers are at the edge of their coping capacity, and just keep going because they feel like they have no other choice – because there is no-one else. So often our partners work hectic hours or FIFO and our parents work full time or live away from us.
When I was in the depths of it, my husband was working crazy FIFO rosters and my mum was working full time. One morning she dropped past my house on her way to work with some dinner, and when I opened the door to her, I crumbled. I’m teary just thinking about it. She made arrangements with her work that day that she would start and finish an hour and a half later, so she could give me some extra sleep and support in the morning – and she did so for six weeks.
Our loved ones love us. They want to help us. But they can’t help us if they don’t know. If there is no-one else – if you’re new to the town, there is always a way, although it takes some work to reach out and connect into a local mothers group or even child health nurse. Maybe that support needs to be paid support for a while, because finding someone to support you through this is so important, because we were never meant to do this alone.
Everyone needs support at various stages in their life, and the more we speak up the faster we change the narrative from mothers ‘doing it all’ to mothers needing a shit-tonne of support. Because really, the onus should not be on us to find the support we need, and we shouldn’t have to reach breaking point before getting that support. But sadly, we are a long way from reaching that point.
The hospital fantasy is a sign that you’ve been carrying too much for too long. If you truly feel like there isn’t any support around you – please reach out to someone. Let your partner or someone you love in on how you’re feeling. They can’t help if they don’t know what’s going on. If you don’t know where to even start, a Holding The Mother session with me to talk through it all might be the right place.