Bonding with baby after birth trauma

We have been taught our whole lives that after birth we will have the biggest rush of love and fall immediately in love with our baby – that bonding with our baby is instant and overwhelming. Through media – movies, tv and the stories that we hear this is the message that we have received on repeat from when we are children. But what happens if that doesn’t happen?

After a traumatic birth it is very common to feel disconnected – from yourself, from your partner, and from your baby. So if we don’t feel this rush of intense and overpowering love for our baby, we can think that there’s something wrong with us. We can worry about what it means, and can be fearful of voicing this out loud because of what we make it mean – does this mean I’m a bad mum? That I shouldn’t be a mum? Will they take my baby away from me if I say this out loud?

And no – this is not the case. In fact there are a few factors that can actually prevent you from feeling that initial rush of love – and none of them are your fault. Bonding comes from the hormone oxytocin that is the driver of physiological labour. In fact when we are pregnant, our brain is re-wired to grow more oxytocin receptors in readiness for bonding – and is often the reason why tv commercials suddenly have you crying because of the cute puppy or because all of the mums sons flew home to surprise her for her birthday. Thankyou oxytocin!! So after a baby is born the rush of oxytocin floods our brain and all of those oxytocin receptors are lit up, awakening our attunement to baby so that when we are meeting them for the first time we are able to feel that instantaneous connection that we’ve heard so much about.

One thing that can block this from happening is if syntocinon is used to induce labour. Syntocinon is an artificial form of oxytocin (Pitocin in the US). It fits into the oxytocin receptors on the uterus to cause contractions, but it does not cross the blood-brain barrier. With syntocinon flooding the system it blocks the body’s feedback loop from creating it’s own oxytocin, meaning that none of that is reaching our oxytocin receptors in our brain. So we are not primed for that instant connection when baby is born (and this is not something that they tell you about when discussing induction/augmentation).

If events happen during birth that cause the brain to go into a sympathetic fight-or-flight response – when our body’s own coping mechanisms are overwhelmed we can go into shutdown mode. This means that those parts of the brain responsible for connection and social engagement are offline and we are physically unable to connect with anyone – this is the brain’s automatic response and something that we have no control over, it’s protecting itself from more trauma.

Think about when you’ve had a train wreck of a day – you were late, you forgot your wallet, you had no lunch and back-to-back meetings all day that ran late and half of them should have been emails and you have unfinished work on your desk that you know you’re not going to get to that day. You are tired, anxious, hungry and completely overwhelmed, then you have a minor car accident on the way home. (It is often like that after all – one thing after another in hours-long labour, followed by a traumatic or complicated birth) Then when you get home your partner wants you to go out to dinner to meet his new boss.. you’re not exactly in the right state of mind to be meeting and connecting with new people right..? Same concept. You need a breather.

So after situations like these, what does help facilitate bonding? Skin-to-skin snuggling with your baby. Get close and cosy. Look how amazing and miraculous they are, and how amazing and miraculous YOU are, because you made them! As much skin-to-skin time as you can, as soon as you can – hours, days or even weeks later if they’ve been in NICU. It all helps to build that oxytocin which is our love drug. Breastfeeding also releases oxytocin so breastfeeding frequently on demand will also help facilitate bonding.

So if this is something that you have experienced, please know that these situations do not make you a bad mother, it doesn’t mean that you failed and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby. None of these situations are your fault. At all. It is simply a negative side-effect of the systems that are supposed to support us but instead constantly let us down.

You did not fail, you were failed.

If this brings anything up for you, I hope it helps you to make sense of what you experienced in some way. These are the things that we have not been told but should be.

If you would like any support in this, please reach out. My Healing Birth sessions are available, either in-home in Perth or via zoom if you’re further away.